Gary Lewis' rules of manliness

By Gary Lewis

Gary Lewis Books and DVDs

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1. You know how to build a fire

2. You don't take selfies

3. You don’t eat GoGurt!

4. Note: relevant to older men and younger men. You wear your belt around your waist.

5. You don't pick up dog poop with your hand in a plastic bag

6. You don't eat fruit roll-ups

7. You drive with your hand on top of the steering wheel

8. You don't eat Lunchables

9. When in doubt, you cook with bacon

10. A man doesn't wear a fanny pack. It's called a lumbar pack.

11. If you must man hug, no more than 3 pats

12. On carrying a woman's purse: Don't do it - Enforce the "You Brought It…" rule

13. You must be able to tie a tie - in under a minute

14. You should be able to get to any destination (within 50 miles of home) without an onboard GPS

15. Eating salad is only manly if one of the ingredients used to have a face.

16. On a road trip, the driver determines the choice of music

17. Wear black, but not black skinny jeans

18. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, you side with the blood relative

19. Good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood

20. If someone tells you you're a rock star, you probably aren't

21. If in doubt, keep your shirt on (refer to rule No. 20)

22. When choosing a bottle of wine for a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars, for a bottle, not a gallon

23. You don't tell a potential employer that you are a "bit of a philosopher"

24. You don't say, "I want to get to know you better." To anybody unless you're married to them.

25. Women suspect men do not listen. To counter this, take one word from their last sentence, repeat it, then add an appropriate adverb in close proximity. A woman says "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" And you answer with any noun from her sentence and add any adverb, thus: Dress. Lovely. Or Honey. Never. Or Fat. Really.

You take the last word of the wife's last sentence and repeat it in close proximity to an adverb, she thinks you are listening, you are engaged, you are manly, also sensitive, concerned, literate. A woman says "Blah, blah, blah, take out the garbage," and you say, "Lovely garbage." Or she says "Blah, blah, blah, beach this weekend," and you say "Absolutely. Beach."

26. There is no good time to get married. But there are really, really bad times to get married. Like May (trout season and turkey season) and October (deer and elk season). June anniversaries are nice because, as the years go by, you can turn them into scouting trips without a non-participant spouse noticing.

27. Birth your children early in the year. Procreate in June and July for February to early April birthdays. Just add nine months. If birthdays are strategically planned, there is no danger you will be absent at an important family event that just happens to coincide with the opening of deer season.

28. Contrary to popular belief, it is easy for a person to have a long, meaningful conversation with a woman. Of course, this person must also be a woman.

29. When we send texts or emails, we don't use emoticons or emogees.

30. We don't have "play dates" for our puppies or our offspring. We call it fishing, foosball or football practice.

31. The more a man knows the less he talks.

32. You don't wear a sweater with a mammal on it

33. Cheerleading is only a spectator sport

34. You must know how to cut and properly light a cigar

35. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (unless it is a war movie where it doesn't really matter what they're saying)

36. On Game Day, you don't bring a food item with less than 300 calories per serving

37. You can't trust the guy that uses unusual paper clips

38. Very tan people are not to be trusted

39. Never admit you voted for the guy

40. Real man style tip: Bandana, good - scarf, bad

41. When you rack the slide on a .45, you don't ride it down. You let it slam.

42. You don't borrow more than $10 from your buddy

43. You don't burn Presto logs

44. You never tell Facebook how you are feeling

45. You must own an axe

46. You do all your Christmas shopping on December 24

47. You're going to a New Year's Eve party. Remember: If they tell you where they went to college in the first five minutes, you can't trust them.

48. The woman can pick the breed. The man retains veto power on the naming rights.

49. You know how to read a compass

50. You go ice-fishing and like it (at least once)

51. You don't try to "teach someone a lesson"

52. Don't say hi to a perfect stranger in any town over 2,000 people

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